He had it even worse
by SecondSunrise
Summary: Yes, Bella had it bad when Edward left her. But what about him? How did he handle the break-up? And how did he react to Rosalie telling him Bella was dead? One-shot!


**So, this is my new story! Hope you like it! It's just a one shot! Oh and I changed the story a little bit. I know Edward was tracking Victoria while he was gone, but in my story he just ran away. And just in case you wonder about the cell phone that is going to appear: it's waterproof. I mean, come on, it's Edward CULLEN we are talking about. & I left out Jake here. Sorry! I love Jake but I wanted it to be more "depressing", which is almost impossible with Jake being in it!  
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She had it bad**  
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He had been a boy who did everything for Bella's safety. The safety she had never wanted and still didn't want. Ever since she met him, she needed

this thrill in her life. Because that thrill meant _he_ was with her. By now Bella was utterly safe. And it drove her insane. In fact, this safety made her

lose everything. Life, life, feelings. Mow she was like a robot. She still was there, somewhere. But she had drowned in all the numbness she

had chosen over the pain the _separation_ brought. Since _he _had left, Bella had changed dramatically. Her eyes never focused on anything, or anyone, in particular,

she didn't eat properly, she had huge shadows under her eyes, probably a darker shade than _his_. She also never went out. Most of the time she kept

herself busy with homework and cooking. When she had been still whole she had used to read a lot. But by now this and listening to music were

a no-go. It would remind her of _him. _Bella's situation got worse everyday. The kids at school who used to be her friends ignored her completely by now,

because she never really talked to anyone anymore. People seemed to forget she even existed. Even the teachers overlooked her all the time. Not that she

wanted to say anything... The only one who talked to her from time to time was Mike Newton. Every Friday he asked her the same question.

"Bella? Are you working tomorrow?" And every Friday he got the same answer. "Tomorrow is Saturday, isn't it?" But that was everything. The only ones

who still cared about her were her mother Reneé and her father Charlie. Reneé always called and wrote emails, but every answer she got was short and

obviously a façade. Charlie still dragged her to the diner in Forks ever Wednesday and the waitress never had to ask what she wanted. First, Bella didn't care,

second, she always had the same, which brings us back to first: She didn't care. To explain her situation in one sentence: She was broken.

But all that was nothing compared to what _he _went through.

But he had it even worse

Yes, she had it really bad. But Edward had it even worse. He ran away after he _broke up_ with her. He ran away and never came back.

First Edward just lay cuddled up in a tight ball in a cave, somewhere in Florida. He didn't speak, he didn't think, he didn't drink.

He wasn't thirsty and all that went through his head was her. Her face, her smell, her voice. He missed her, no, that would be an understatement,

he _ached _to see her again. More than once he stood in the forest of Forks, his dead heart shattering and causing a sharp pain in his chest as he saw

the familiar places, connected to the painful memories, as he smelled scent of the air, as he felt the rain on his ice cold skin.

once it had felt comforting, like home. But now there wasn't something like home. The only place that would feel like home was

beside her. But he had left her for her safety. He couldn't go back. What had happened with James and later with his brother Jasper had showed how unsafe

she was with him around. He had just left her for her safety. That's what he kept telling himself all the time. But that was only one reason. The other reason

why he had left her was Alice's vision. _She _as a vampire. He couldn't do this to her. He couldn't take away her soul, like Carlisle did with his.

He didn't blame Carlisle for doing it, though. He would've done it, too, if he had been alone all the time. Of course he was all alone now, but to

him it was completely different. He had used to have someone, the perfect someone, but he had chosen her perfect soul over his own happiness.

And he had used to have his family. Carlisle, Esme, Alice, Jasper, Emmett and even Rosalie. But he hadn't met them since four months now.

He just couldn't. Seeing them would bring more painful memories of _her _to the surface. Not that he was very good at not thinking about her,

he always did, but he couldn't take more memories. So all he did was sitting around in some dark caves. His life was miserable, he even

thought about suicide more than once but quickly stopped as he remembered that Alice would see it if he really committed suicide.

After another month he decided to go to his family. They were living in Canada with Tanya and her sisters. He was in Mexico by now.

By the time he wanted to leave it was 8 am. The sun beamed down and kept him from going. So he had to wait. After a few hours

it was too much for him. He got up and just ran. He ran so fast that no human eye could see him. After 3 hours he was in Canada and

eventually slowed down to an almost human pace. First he had been almost eager to see his family again but now he even thought about

just leaving again. Then he remembered that Alice must've seen him coming by now. So he started running again and after 10 minutes he

was at the Denali's house. Instead of going into their house, he searched for Alice's or any other familiar scent and eventually found Jasper's.

He followed it and slowly approached a huge clearing with a nice house in the middle. He had never seen the house before, since he hadn't

gone with his family after leaving _her._ Then the front door opened and a tiny girl ran out and straight into him, hugging him tightly.

"Edward!", she squealed happily. "I'm so happy to see you again! I've missed you so much." He stiffened, not being used to such a thing anymore.

"Alice.", he simply said. Then the rest of his family rushed out the door. Esme and Carlisle hugged him at the same moment, Esme even sobbing tearless.

Even Emmett pulled him into a tight hug. Jasper and Rosalie didn't hug him, though. Edward knew why. Jasper had felt how uncomfortable he was

with this contact and Rosalie didn't want to admit that she missed him. Well, he was grateful for it._ Oh god, he looks terrible,_ Esme thought sadly.

Then they walked inside and Edward found out he already had a room for himself. He didn't bother looking at it, he just sat in the corner of it

and closed his eyes. After a while he heard someone enter his room. It was Alice again. "Edward?", she asked. He looked up to signalize her that

he listened to hear. "How do you feel?" He stared at her in disbelief. "How do you think I'm feeling?", he retorted. Alice's eyes were pained.

"Not good.... Edward, I think you made a mistake. You shouldn't have left her." He couldn't believe what she was saying. Did she seriously just

say that he made a mistake? "No, it was no mistake. It was right. _I _was right. I had to do it! For her own good. She wouldn't be safe with us around."

"I think Bella doesn't care about her safety as long as she's with you!" Edward glared at his adopted sister. "Don't say her name. And I don't care

what she thinks about in that case! We all know she's a danger magnet, and it all started since I met her. So this is right. Even if I would've stayed

with her, I would've killed her in the end. I would've taken her soul away by changing her. And I can't do this, Alice." His voice broke a few times while saying this.

"This isn't all about what _you _want or think! I - We miss her, too! Do you know how often I _cried _over her? She's my best friend and because of you I

had to leave her!", she shouted. That was too much for him. He jumped up and through the closed window. The glass shattered, but he didn't care.

Edward didn't know where to go first, so he decided to visit Tanya, hoping she would distract him from the sharp pain in his chest. As he approached

the mansion he saw Tanya stepping outside and waiting for him on the porch. "Edward! It's nice to see you again. I was hoping you would come to visit

me.", she said, a seductive (well, not for him) smile lingering on her lips. "Tanya." He nodded. "Please, come in.", she said, leaving him a small place to

walk through the door. It was so small that he involuntary touched her chest with his arm. "Where is the rest of your family?", he asked, even though

he wasn't really interested. He just wanted distraction. "Gone," she whispered. "For a while. I believe they will be back late this night." While talking she

sat on the couch in a pose, that was supposed to be sexy, but didn't catch his attention at all. He nodded once again and sat as far away from her as possible.

Tanya pouted and slid next to him. She was very close now. Edward started to feel irritated, he didn't like her being so close to him. "Tanya....", he started.

"I know you want me", she purred and crossed her leg over his. "That's not what I was going to say. I was going to tell you to get off me", he hissed.

"What the hell is your problem, Edward? _Every _man wants me!", she demanded. Edward was really angry now. "But I don't want you!", he shouted and

ran away once again. He was in the middle of the woods when he heard Alice's thoughts calling out for him. _Edward, don't leave again! Please!, _she begged.

"I have to! I can't stay here, Alice. It's too much.", he shouted so that she could hear him. _Please, don't leave. _Then she had a vision of him heading to

Rio De Janeiro. _I see. You're really leaving us again. _She sighed mentally. _I'll tell the others. I hope to see you again soon. _He could tell that she was crying, but

he couldn't let this affect him; he had to get away from here. He did feel sorry for just leaving, though. He knew how heartbroken Esme and how sad

Carlisle would be. He hadn't really talked to them since they moved away from Forks. Suddenly he smelled something. A deer. His mouth watered for the

first time since he left _her_. So he decided to hunt before leaving. Edward didn't enjoy it, though. He was too....not there....to enjoy anything. It only took

him about two minutes to finish the deer. After that he started running again. He wasn't as fast as before, humans would still be able to see him, so he

ran through a lot of woods and uninhabited places. This time it took him almost one day to get all the way down there. When he reached the Gulf of

Mexico it was way after midnight and nobody was out anymore, so he could just jump in the water and start swimming. He always liked swimming. The

feeling of the water against his skin, the temperature and strangely even the taste of it. But this time he didn't care. He didn't care about _anything _except for

her, but that didn't matter; he could never go back to her. The sharp pain in his chest started to grow again. He had do distract himself. So he started diving.

Edward concentrated on the corals, the fishes and the mammals he saw. Since he had once studied Biology he could name everything he saw. The distraction

wasn't very good, but it worked. When he finally was in Rio De Janeiro he hadn't thought about her at all. His clothes were ruined now, but he truly didn't care.

He could buy some new the next day. Then he remembered where he was. It was too sunny for him. He had to get away. So instead of just heading North again,

he decided to just stay out of Rio. Edward even found a cave there, where he could _live _in. That was when his phone buzzed. He looked at caller ID. Rosalie.

Instead of ignoring it like he usually did he answered it. "What?", he demanded unfriendly. "E-Edward?", Rosalie stammered. "Yes, what do you want?" Silence.

"Rosalie? Tell me what you want." He wasn't in the mood for playing around. "It's Bella." WHAT? He immediately panicked. What happened to Bella? The pain was

there again. "What happened to her?", Edward chocked out. "Alice had a vision about her-" - "WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?", he yelled. Then Rosalie said the most horrible

thing he ever heard; the thing he feared the most: "She...She jumped of a cliff. And she didn't resurface." He dropped his phone and screamed: "NO!" His dead heart

shattered, his whole world broke together and ever meaning he had ever been able to find in his life was gone. He couldn't see, he couldn't think, he couldn't move.

Bella; his Bella; was _dead._ Bella jumped of a cliff. Because of him. Bella was dead and it was all his fault. His mind was replaying every moment he had with her, even

if they weren't nice. When they first met, when she first talked to him, their first kiss, all the other kisses, Bella meeting his family, playing baseball while she was watching,

the incident with James, prom, her birthday, the day he left her. He cried out in pain as he thought of all this. Edward couldn't believe that his Bella was dead.

She couldn't be dead! But she was. Bella was dead. He kept thinking and saying her name. "Bella, Bella, Bella." All the time he hadn't been able to think her

name, but now he had to. He had to be with her now, because this was his last chance to be, to live. He, Edward Cullen, was going to Volterra to provoke the Volturi.

_"Well, I wasn't going to live without you"_

**Soooooooooo what did you think?? **

**Please review! **


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